Choose Your Identity, part 2

April 7, 2008 at 1:42 am (Uncategorized)

I’m starting to wonder if I’ve wasted all my time and talents by dedicating the last seven years to the full-time-at-home-mother thing.

My children are–like all other children at their worst–greedy, ungrateful, self-centered little people. Nothing I do is ever enough. They were born very close to one another (all three in 1,089 days) and were happy, healthy, well-stimulated and independent infants. They were defiant toddlers (which is what we expected). And now they seem to think that mom is their property.

At one point I did have high ambitions. I considered law school, library school, and public administration programs. Then I got into a job that wasn’t a great job but had a real paycheck and health insurance, and it was too easy to not go back. That was in Montgomery in 1998. By 1999 we were moving to Birmingham and I was pregnant. Then we nearly divorced, then I got pregnant again, and then I was pregnant again! I know, too much sex!

I really believe that I’m where I should be right now. But I don’t like it. My best friends from school are way more successful than me in their professional lives. Some are in good marriages with kids, too, but it’s their professional accomplishments that stand out. Chuck is a marketer with the Independent Television Service (producers of my favorite PBS series, Independent Lens). Before that, she directed a health program for AAPIs in California. Melissa is a public defender and is doing what she’s wanted to do since forever. Alma will be a Major in the Air Force. Monica is singing and teaching in Atlanta. Gary defended the nation and is in law school now.

My fear is that I will have nothing to show for myself. I want to leave a positive mark on the world. I help people. I pick up trash on the streets. I am kind to people who have not been kind to me. I look at the other side of the coin. I doubt a lot of things about the faith I’ve chosen but I’ve never once doubted God’s existence.

Somehow it doesn’t seem enough. And I have a Bachelor of Liberal Arts degree with a 2.2 GPA. It’s ten years old. What am I going to do when I have to get a life of my own that doesn’t involve Cub Scouts, Girl Scouts, teacher appreciation luncheons, volunteer hours, baseball games?

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4 Comments

  1. HEWY said,

    Why dont you try the ole obituary test?

    Decide what you want people to say after you die and then live your life accounting to that:

    She was a street lawyer who fought for the homeless.

    An admired mother & grandmother who served in the community.

    A politician who served 10 terms as mayor of Helena.

    A blogger who crashed his corvette in Peru while drinking brandy in researching for gnomes…oh sorry I was projecting with that last one. But you see where I’m going with it.

    A politician who served 10 terms as mayor of Helena.

    A blogger who crashed his corvette in Peru while drinking brandy in Pesearching for gnomes…oh sorry I was projecting with that last one. But you see where I’m going with it.

  2. MissBossyPants said,

    hewy, that was funny. The Helena mayor thing. I need to get back listening to my 7 Habits I guess. “Begin with the end in mind.” I guess I’m already doing a lot of it, though. I’m just frustrated with parenting and wife-ing right now. (Look, I made a new word)

  3. Leigh said,

    You’re mark will be those kids. You are doing the most important job in the world…raising children to be productive, law abiding, morally sound people. FOr the rest of their lives-they will live it as a reflection of your great efforts. Don’t sell yourself short!
    I think we all have those days, especially when we think we are raising alien inbreds. Chin up, sister! You rawk!

    PS if you still aren’t satisfied…go talk to Victoria at the library and see if they need some part time help (when kids are in school) ….you’d certainly qualify!!

  4. Michelle said,

    lol you will own a CONSIGNMENT SHOP and ruin your self esteem by performing in local singing contests..Oh wait, that was MY life.. oooppppss lol I have almost 4 years of college, I had a 2.8 GPA and an IQ of 135 to boot.. But, I had ADD so bad that I could never stay with one major long enough to make it last..

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